Pilot

"Pilot" is the first episode of Sit Down, Shut Up. It originally aired on April 19, 2009.

Synopsis
Acting principal Susan Sezno is threatening to fire one of the teachers of Knob Haven High School due to budget cuts. Meanwhile, Vice Principal Proszakian ingests pills that are suspected to be steroids.

Plot
Acting Principal of Knob Haven High School Sue Sezno finds a case of pills in a student's locker. Believing them to be drugs, she hands them over to science teacher Miracle Grohe to study. Miracle, however, tells them the pills may be steroids; Sue decides to test them on her new assistant Principal, Stuart Proszakian. With the assistance of P.E. teacher Larry Littlejunk, she manages to successfully trick Stuart into taking the pills, telling him that they are vitamins.

Meanwhile, Sue informs the staff that the school is in financial trouble, and the only way to raise money is to gain alumni donations from the upcoming football game or face firing a teacher. German teacher Willard Deutschebog informs English teacher Ennis Hofftard that a student may have caught him buying "filthies" (porn) at a newsstand that morning; because of this, Willard fears that if Sue hears, he may be the one getting fired. At the same time, Larry attempts to ask Miracle out on a date, but finds he cannot stand Miracle's "stupid" thoughts. As it turns out, she was the one responsible for his students' poor training in gym: she repeatedly throws out food, in honor of those in third-world countries.

At the game, bisexual drama teacher Andrew LeGustambos attempts to grab the attention of both Larry and Miracle, but the whole school stands in shock as Stuart arrives with two full and augmented breasts; the pills he had taken were actually librarian Helen Klench's female hormone replacements. Nonetheless, the school loses the game. Sue finally reveals she was not planning on actually firing any teacher on her watch. Helen arrives to inform them that they did not need to win the game after all; she had found a rare time capsule with treasures. Upon opening the time capsule, it is revealed that it is full of Willard's porn magazines that Ennis hid. Sue pitifully looks at Willard and tells him he is fired.